i don't know what to say...

i can't really believe it. i'm so excited, anxious, nervous, optimistic, happy all at that same time.  i still really can't believe it.  i couldn't have gotten through 4 months without the support and cathartic release that this blog has provided me.  through this almost 2 year journey, there were many, many, many days that i thought this day would never come.  i just hope this little nugget sticks!

below i'm going to detail how i came to find out that i'm PREGNANT (OMG, really?!?) in case you're interested.  i think this will also serve as my last post if everything goes well with the pregnancy.  i just remember how sometimes it was so difficult for me to get updates in my google reader from newly pregnant bloggers when i was struggling so hard with month after month of BFNs.  so, if you're interested in following my pregnancy journey, email me using the link on my blog/profile, and i'll update you to my new blog whenever i set it up.  again, thanks for following me on this journey!

how i found out:
so, after working a 30hr shift where i took care of many sick babies, one in particular who will likely die today after his family decides to withdraw care on him, i was feeling particularly beat down and exhausted.  it was a really rough night, and i may have slept a maximum of 30 minutes - 1 hour the whole night.  as i was leaving work, the thought popped into my head that, i hadn't peed since first thing that morning. (it was close to 1pm by this time.) i thought, i bet if i took a pregnancy test, my urine would be super concentrated, enough so that it'd turn positive if was pregnant.  (this is because i hardly ever drink enough water at work when i'm really busy which is a terrible habit.)  i kind of brushed off this thought because i was thinking i would start my period tomorrow like i do every month 14 dpo.  on the way home, i couldn't stop thinking about taking a test.  i finally convinced myself to take one just so i could get the thought out of my head and get some much needed sleep.  so, i got home, let the dog out and peed in my cup.  i dipped my internet cheapie hcg and forced myself not to watch it develop like i normally do but to instead quickly jump in the shower to get the stench of the hospital off me.  in the shower i prayed, not for it to be positive, but for me to accept whatever the results were.  i repeated over and over, "be joyful in hope, patient in adversity and  faithful in prayer."  i finished my shower and took a deep breath and quickly and ineffectively dried myself off.  i cautiously walked to the counter where i had left my test.  i could NOT believe my eyes when i saw those 2 beautiful pink lines.  i cried immediately, and i NEVER cry.  i stared at my face in the mirror.  i still couldn't believe it.  i fell to my knees, crying, naked and wet (sorry for the visual) and thanked God over and over again.  i then dipped my digital just to be sure and that pic is posted above! 

again, thanks so much for following me on this journey.  i wish each of you the best of luck!

body image issues

hello lovelies!

i hope your weekend has been going well.  mine has been so nice and relaxing (especially since i didn't have to work this weekend) with the exception of my friday night melt down, more on that later.

yesterday, we went on our double date with my husband's boss and his wife.  if you recall from my previous post, they are struggling with infertility too and are actually doing their first round of ivf.  i thought it might be awkward, and i had some apprehension about going but it turned out fine.  we actually never really talked about infertility, which was kind of a relief.  my husband did second guess me for having a glass of wine while we were waiting at the bar for them to arrive, not only because we are in "limbo" as he likes to put it (i'm in the 2ww), but he thought it might be insensitive for me to drink around his bosses wife since she'd then be the only one not drinking at dinner.  i told him i wasn't going to not drink because of other people, and i'm so early in the 2ww, it doesn't even matter if i had one glass of wine.  so of course my husband cracks a joke during dinner about how i'm all about "drink til it's pink" - which i'm not sure where he got that saying from because i don't think i've ever actually said that to him.  we had a little awkward laugh and under her breath, i hear the wife say, "i wish we were still at that point" or something like that, and i felt a tinge of guilt.  :T but all and all it was a fun time and maybe if i got to know her better, i'd open up to her about what we're going through.  so as in the case of most things in life, it wasn't all it was hyped up to be.  :) 

like i was saying earlier, on friday night i had a major meltdown.  it was ugly and sad.  i was upset because currently, i'm the heaviest i've ever been in my entire life, ever.  now, if you saw me walking down the street, you'd probably say, what are you talking about? you look fine!  which, i can admit i can look okay if i wear flattering clothes and fix myself up but there are many, many more clothes in my closest that i can no longer wear because they are too tight and are unflattering.  i've always been thin my entire life and never had to worry too much about my weight.  if i gained an extra five pounds here and there, it only took a few weeks at the gym to work it off.  now here i am, approaching 30 this month, and i can't seem to get this weight off that popped out of nowhere.  it doesn't help that i am now back on service this month meaning, i wear scrubs everyday not realizing how much more weight i'm gaining until i try to squeeze into some jeans on the weekend.  :(  so anyways, i had a meltdown friday night, and i cried while my husband held and comforted me.  i cried because i'm no longer the trim, slim, active girl i was just a few years ago.  i cried because i feel like i don't recognize this body that i'm living in.  i cried because i feel like my body has betrayed me in more ways than one, first with not providing me with a baby and second for not responding to diet and exercise like it used to only a few years ago.  i cried and i cried.  my poor husband was at a loss for words because he had no idea where this was coming from.  he, being a man, of course wanted to "fix it" by telling me i was beautiful and that we would diet and exercise together to get me to where i wanted to be.  but the best thing he did was when he stopped talking and just held me while i cried.  i'm so blessed to have him in my life.

i think that those of us who struggle with infertility definitely have some body image issues.  we feel like our bodies have betrayed us, and it's a struggle to love this body that we see as "broken".  i don't have any magical answers to help us accept our infertile bodies but i just wanted you to know, you are not alone.