so, im in the 2ww. ugh.

i signed up for this bootcamp class, unlimited for 4 weeks. it was eh. i mean i did sweat but i think i was expecting it to be harder. i'm not in the best shape of my life but i do need a challenge. the hardest part was abs which i suck at but the rest of it was not that hard. at least i did something i guess.

currently, i'm planning a baby shower for my bff. she's due in july. i'm actually excited about planning it & not bitter, which surprises me. i'm thinking of doing a make-a-onsie station, maybe some cakepops or a balloon wreath.



pyschic or psycho

so, this is a little embarrassing. i contacted a psychic. via email. ahahahah!

i didn't pay any money or anything. apparently this psychic will do free readings but according to her email she is currently working on free prediction from nov 2010 so i figure it may be a while or never before i get a response. i will admit i was tempted to pay the 10 bucks to see what she says but, really, i could use that on a couple of nice lattes instead.

i must be going psycho!!


just in case?!?

so, one of my bffs is getting married!  i'm so excited for her.  she's been waiting a long time to get married and i'm ecstatic!  she's has asked me to be a bridesmaid which is such an honor.  her wedding date is set for late october.

the first thought that pops into my mind when she tells me the wedding date is, wow, if i get pregnant this month, i'd be almost term and probably won't be able to travel.  should i order a larger size bridesmaid dress just in case or will i be jinxing myself and will a larger bridesmaid dress just be another reminder about our fertility woes?  i'm not sure what to do.

i do know that we will continue to ttc even if it means missing her big day.  while i feel some tinges of guilt, i know that she'd totally understand if i did get pregnant.  at least, i think she would...


it could always be worse.

friday at 3am we coded a baby for 1 hour before she died.

while ttc has been a struggle, things could always be worse.

i've been following this blog for a while now. while i don't know sarah personally (i went to med school with her sister), her positive attitude and bright smile inspire me to live in the now and see the beauty in everyday life.


stop and smell the roses.


love & what not

happy valentine's day for anyone out there reading this blog still. i hope you're feeling loved today.

(i have a boston so i love this pic!)

i've been doing much better ever since i made my appointment with my ob. i feel a little more relaxed now that we have a plan in place. i'm a nicu fellow, planner is my middle name.

this weekend was beautiful. the sun was shining. i went for a run. while i was disappointed that i didn't run as long or as fast as i wanted, at least it was something. and yes, i am keeping up (mostly) with my 30 day shred. i missed one day since i've started it. i'm feeling better about myself and i think that's helpful when ttc.

yesterday, i made the following cupcakes for our valentines dinner tonight. it's salted caramel chocolate cupcakes. they are really good (if i do say so myself). below is a pic from my iphone.

i'm thinking of doing a 365 photo challenge (one photo a day). i have nikon dslr that i love but haven't been showing much attention to. we'll see. i have lots of plans (30 day shred, half marathon, 365 photo challenge, make a human baby) but who knows what i'll actually be able to follow through with!

another thing i'm working on right now is my fellow research project. today i flushed embryos out of a hamster's uterus and looked at them under a microscope. they look a little something like this:

it's so amazing how a little ball of cells turns into an entire living being!

i can't wait to have a little ball of cells in my ute.


the "i" word

today i made an appointment with my ob/gyn for next month. yesterday, after having worked 30hrs and being exhausted, i broke down and cried. i never cry. my friends joke that i'm heartless because i didn't cry at my wedding, even after my husband made the most amazing heartfelt speech at our reception. there's nothing wrong with crying, i just never do it. so when i did, my husband knew i was really down. he encouraged me to make an appointment with my doctor and promised he would accompany me to it.

so today i called. made an appointment for next month. when the receptionist asked, "what's the purpose of the appointment?" i said, "well, i want to talk to her about having difficulty conceiving." she said, "okay, infertility. thanks! see you then!"


on another note, jillian michael's 30 day shred kicks ass! it's hard. 25 minutes of working out with no breaks. i'm a little sore today but will try to work harder during my work out today. i have a lot of frustration to work out!


challenge yourself

so, it's currently snowing where i live. i've been wanting to start training for the half marathon but i'm not crazy enough to run outside in the snow! i've been hearing a lot of good things about some work out videos & so i'm taking the leap & starting a 30 day challenge, jillian michael's style!

while you're supposed to do this workout 30 days straight, i think i might have to modify it a bit because of my call schedule. i won't work out the days i am on call but will work out post-call. i think that's a pretty good compromise. it'll be my "34 day challenge".

i also have heard good things about things about this "insanity work out". while it looks cheesy on the cover, i heard it kicks butt!

my plan is to do the 30 day shred followed up by insanity. we'll see how long this lasts. i tried P90x but never last longer than a few days! i want to get back to my old self, my healthier happier self who wasn't obsessed with TTC. while we will continue to TTC, i want to enjoy today.

plus, i wanna be a hot mama!


to tell or not to tell

first of all, thanks to each & every one of you, even it's just a handful, who read this blog & comment or lurk. i personally read a lot of blogs that i never comment on so no judgment here! (although, shamelessly, i + comments)

tonight, as my husband is out of town & i have already drank 2 large glasses of wine, i've begun to contemplate if i should or should not let any of our friend/family know we are TTC.

as of now, we haven't told anyone we are actively TTC. we already put so much pressure on ourselves about the whole situation that we thought telling anyone else would just add more pressure. our response to the dreaded, "so when are you having a baby?" has been very vague. "some time before i finish fellowship (within the next now 2 & 1/2 years)." as the months tick by, i'm afraid this answer won't suffice for too long.

while i created this blog as an outlet for me to vent/express my thoughts, its not the same as having a heart to heart conversation with someone. i'm not sure why i am so hesitant to tell my friends. (i know i'm hesitant to tell my mom because she has a big mouth!) i think part of the reason is that i think that if i say the words OUT LOUD, to someone other than my husband, then i'm admitting that i think there might be a problem.

21 months off birth control & no baby. that's almost 2 years. i'm pretty sure that's a problem. at this point, i'm really not sure what would be worse, to know there's a problem & not be able to fix it OR never find a reason. my husband wants to give it the old college try. really REALLY try for one year and see what happens. meanwhile, i feel like we are wasting time.

if i really wanted to talk to one of my friends about our journey, i don't really think they would get it, really understand what we are going through. only 4 of my closest girlfriends are married. one of them already has a sweet daughter. it took them 8 months to get pregnant but after 6 months of "seeing what happens", it took only 2 cycles after using OPKs to get a BFP. my friend that just got knocked up did so 5 months after she got married. the other 2 married girlfriends aren't even thinking about it yet (that i know of).

the thing is, i don't want pity. i don't want my friends to feel sorry for me. i want someone who knows what i'm going through to empathize with me. so that's when i turned to the bump. at first i lurked. i posted a couple of times. i found some blogs to read. but then i started noticing how sometimes, the comments on there were just snarky/rude/bitter. i didn't want to become that way. so i quit. at least i tried to quit. i admit that i will on occasion lurk but when i do, i eventually end up reading a thread where someone gets attacked and i remember why i wanted to quit in the first place. i think the bump can be a great resource. i bet probably more helpful once you are actually pregnant. for TTC, i think there is a lot of misinformation (medically speaking) that has women obsessing over every single "symptom" or change in temperature. i'm sure for others the bump has been great, but i think its just not for me. so that leaves me with just my blog & you!

who have you told about ttc, if you are? did it make things easier or better when you did? if you haven't told anyone, why haven't you?

this post is getting ridiculously too long. sorry. i'm sure i had a point in there somewhere.

on to the next one

so, it's definitely on to the next one for me. yesterday a friend, my husband & i shared 2 pitchers of margaritas. at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. it was just what i needed.

i've decided to make an effort to stop putting my life on hold. i've decided to sign up for a half marathon. i've run a couple of half marathons in the past, a few 10Ks & 5Ks but i have to admit that i've totally been slacking when it comes to my fitness. i always have an excuse - 1) i'm post-call. 2) i'm on call. 3) it's dark outside. 4) it's too cold. while some of these excuses may be valid as far as running OUTSIDE, there's always the gym! i've decided to focus on getting my sexy back instead of saying to myself, "it's okay to have gained 10lbs since starting fellowship because you'll be gaining even more when you get pregnant!" well, i'm not pregnant so i shouldn't have this poochie belly/muffin top!

thanks for stopping by & reading this. hope you have a great friday!


i want off!

i want off this damn roller coaster!!

the ups & downs are killing me. one minute i've convinced myself that i am pregnant. the next i'm sure i'll never have a baby. today I'm 14dpo. today i got a BFN. today I have to work 30hrs & be surrounded by babies. today my heart hurts.