curious minds want to know

hmmm...im not sure if anyone would ever this anymore but i have gotten a couple of emails requesting an update so here goes.

How far along: currently, i am 25 4/7 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: +4 as of my last appointment 2.5 weeks ago BUT i weighed myself at the gym last week and according to that scale, i gained an additional 6lbs in 1 week?!?  i'm really not sure.  i have another appointment this friday so we'll see.
Sleep: no issues.  i was a side sleeper before so i don't miss sleeping on my belly or anything.
Best moment this week:
finally having strangers recognize i'm pregnant
Movement: all the time!  my husband can feel them when he puts his had on my belly
Symptoms: just getting tired more quickly while active
Food cravings:
no must have cravings but i'm loving fruit and ice cream
Food aversions: the smell of seafood.  i LOVE seafood but right now its just not appetizing.  i do eat cooked sushi though
Gender: boy!! 
Labor Signs: thankfully none
Belly Button in or out? in but very shallow
What I miss: wine, cocktails, raw sushi
What I am looking forward to: meeting my baby boy!
reaching viability last week

here's my baby boy:

check out his lips:

my bump:


i don't know what to say...

i can't really believe it. i'm so excited, anxious, nervous, optimistic, happy all at that same time.  i still really can't believe it.  i couldn't have gotten through 4 months without the support and cathartic release that this blog has provided me.  through this almost 2 year journey, there were many, many, many days that i thought this day would never come.  i just hope this little nugget sticks!

below i'm going to detail how i came to find out that i'm PREGNANT (OMG, really?!?) in case you're interested.  i think this will also serve as my last post if everything goes well with the pregnancy.  i just remember how sometimes it was so difficult for me to get updates in my google reader from newly pregnant bloggers when i was struggling so hard with month after month of BFNs.  so, if you're interested in following my pregnancy journey, email me using the link on my blog/profile, and i'll update you to my new blog whenever i set it up.  again, thanks for following me on this journey!

how i found out:
so, after working a 30hr shift where i took care of many sick babies, one in particular who will likely die today after his family decides to withdraw care on him, i was feeling particularly beat down and exhausted.  it was a really rough night, and i may have slept a maximum of 30 minutes - 1 hour the whole night.  as i was leaving work, the thought popped into my head that, i hadn't peed since first thing that morning. (it was close to 1pm by this time.) i thought, i bet if i took a pregnancy test, my urine would be super concentrated, enough so that it'd turn positive if was pregnant.  (this is because i hardly ever drink enough water at work when i'm really busy which is a terrible habit.)  i kind of brushed off this thought because i was thinking i would start my period tomorrow like i do every month 14 dpo.  on the way home, i couldn't stop thinking about taking a test.  i finally convinced myself to take one just so i could get the thought out of my head and get some much needed sleep.  so, i got home, let the dog out and peed in my cup.  i dipped my internet cheapie hcg and forced myself not to watch it develop like i normally do but to instead quickly jump in the shower to get the stench of the hospital off me.  in the shower i prayed, not for it to be positive, but for me to accept whatever the results were.  i repeated over and over, "be joyful in hope, patient in adversity and  faithful in prayer."  i finished my shower and took a deep breath and quickly and ineffectively dried myself off.  i cautiously walked to the counter where i had left my test.  i could NOT believe my eyes when i saw those 2 beautiful pink lines.  i cried immediately, and i NEVER cry.  i stared at my face in the mirror.  i still couldn't believe it.  i fell to my knees, crying, naked and wet (sorry for the visual) and thanked God over and over again.  i then dipped my digital just to be sure and that pic is posted above! 

again, thanks so much for following me on this journey.  i wish each of you the best of luck!


body image issues

hello lovelies!

i hope your weekend has been going well.  mine has been so nice and relaxing (especially since i didn't have to work this weekend) with the exception of my friday night melt down, more on that later.

yesterday, we went on our double date with my husband's boss and his wife.  if you recall from my previous post, they are struggling with infertility too and are actually doing their first round of ivf.  i thought it might be awkward, and i had some apprehension about going but it turned out fine.  we actually never really talked about infertility, which was kind of a relief.  my husband did second guess me for having a glass of wine while we were waiting at the bar for them to arrive, not only because we are in "limbo" as he likes to put it (i'm in the 2ww), but he thought it might be insensitive for me to drink around his bosses wife since she'd then be the only one not drinking at dinner.  i told him i wasn't going to not drink because of other people, and i'm so early in the 2ww, it doesn't even matter if i had one glass of wine.  so of course my husband cracks a joke during dinner about how i'm all about "drink til it's pink" - which i'm not sure where he got that saying from because i don't think i've ever actually said that to him.  we had a little awkward laugh and under her breath, i hear the wife say, "i wish we were still at that point" or something like that, and i felt a tinge of guilt.  :T but all and all it was a fun time and maybe if i got to know her better, i'd open up to her about what we're going through.  so as in the case of most things in life, it wasn't all it was hyped up to be.  :) 

like i was saying earlier, on friday night i had a major meltdown.  it was ugly and sad.  i was upset because currently, i'm the heaviest i've ever been in my entire life, ever.  now, if you saw me walking down the street, you'd probably say, what are you talking about? you look fine!  which, i can admit i can look okay if i wear flattering clothes and fix myself up but there are many, many more clothes in my closest that i can no longer wear because they are too tight and are unflattering.  i've always been thin my entire life and never had to worry too much about my weight.  if i gained an extra five pounds here and there, it only took a few weeks at the gym to work it off.  now here i am, approaching 30 this month, and i can't seem to get this weight off that popped out of nowhere.  it doesn't help that i am now back on service this month meaning, i wear scrubs everyday not realizing how much more weight i'm gaining until i try to squeeze into some jeans on the weekend.  :(  so anyways, i had a meltdown friday night, and i cried while my husband held and comforted me.  i cried because i'm no longer the trim, slim, active girl i was just a few years ago.  i cried because i feel like i don't recognize this body that i'm living in.  i cried because i feel like my body has betrayed me in more ways than one, first with not providing me with a baby and second for not responding to diet and exercise like it used to only a few years ago.  i cried and i cried.  my poor husband was at a loss for words because he had no idea where this was coming from.  he, being a man, of course wanted to "fix it" by telling me i was beautiful and that we would diet and exercise together to get me to where i wanted to be.  but the best thing he did was when he stopped talking and just held me while i cried.  i'm so blessed to have him in my life.

i think that those of us who struggle with infertility definitely have some body image issues.  we feel like our bodies have betrayed us, and it's a struggle to love this body that we see as "broken".  i don't have any magical answers to help us accept our infertile bodies but i just wanted you to know, you are not alone.    


permission to hope

today, i'm giving myself permission to hope.

while i will probably hate myself later on if this isn't our cycle, i know i have to allow myself to hope. 


on the fence...

hello lovelies!

i hope you had a great weekend.  :)  mine was pretty good despite working all weekend.

so, my husband told me over dinner this weekend that he has "come out" to one of his bosses at work.  this boss and his wife have been trying for 5 years to have a baby and are about to begin their first round of ivf.  they also have unexplained infertility, and they want to have dinner with us.  my husband set it up for this coming saturday.  i'm really not sure how i feel about the whole thing.  yes, i have been wanting to talk about what we've been going through with someone, but i'm not sure if i ever expected that someone to be a complete stranger.  i mean i know i write about our experiences and my feelings on this public blog but there is at least some sense of anonymity that i can hide behind.  this would be a face to face conversation about some of our most intimate feelings/frustrations with a couple i've never met.  in addition, they are way further along in their journey than we are.  i mean, they're about to do ivf.  we (by we i mean i) am honestly still in some denial about our infertility.  i think that some how by discussing our situation with someone other than ourselves, it makes it more real.  i'm not sure if that makes any sense but it's the way that i feel.  also in the back of my mind, i'm still hopeful that this cycle will be our cycle, that we can still get pregnant without assistance.  what would happen if we met with our new infertile friends and then we announce our pregnancy in the next couple of months?  would we stop being friends?  would we hurt their feelings?  this is one of my husband's bosses you know.  so i don't know.  i'm still kind of iffy about the whole thing but i agreed to go to dinner on saturday with them.  we'll see how it goes.

over the weekend i read this book:
i thought it was good.  it was like reading someone's blog from start to finish.  i could relate to a lot of it because the women who wrote it are diagnosed with unexplained infertility.  i would recommend it:
  • if your idea of foreplay is screaming, "i'm ovulating; it's time!!!" to your oblivious husband...
  • if your ovulation schedule is ruling your life and every trip to the drug store includes a bulk purchase of pregnancy sticks...
  • if you're running out of answers to the chronic questioning from the pregnancy paparazzi about your plans for parenthood ... 
it was a very quick and easy read.

so, have you recently "come out" to anyone?  i think it will be awkward but it might be easier that they don't know our family or friends so that word wouldn't spread like wildfire.  i dunno.  i'm still on the fence....


its friday, i'm in love!

well, for most people who work normal hour jobs, friday means the start of the weekend.  they think of fun things to do over the weekend or chores that need to get done.  mostly they think of spending time with loved ones away from work.  sometimes, i get to be like most people.  sometimes i do get weekends off & i love it! other times, like today, friday could be monday or tuesday for all i care because i'm on call this weekend.  i am "in house" (translation - sleeping or hoping i get to attempt to sleep in the hospital) for overnight call tonight.  then i have to come in and round (translation - see and examine the babies) on sunday.  normally when i take call on friday, i have sunday off but this weekend i'm doing a favor for one of the other fellows who is having her baby baptized.  so in the next 3 days, i will have worked somewhere around 35hrs depending on how long it takes to round on the babies on sunday.  i'm not complaining (although maybe i am just a little) because this is what i signed up for.  i knew going into this field that it required overnight in-house call.  i knew that it meant sometimes not sleeping in the same bed as my husband at night, or not sleeping at all for that matter.  but i absolutely love my job.

when i was in medical school thinking about what i wanted to be when i grew up, i had no idea.  i wanted to be a doctor, duh, but what kind, who knew?!?  it was hard enough getting into medical school, now i had to decide what kind of doctor to be?  after careful consideration, i chose pediatrics, not because i love kids. don't get me wrong, i do. i chose pediatrics because in general, kids get better.  they haven't abused their bodies with drugs and alcohol.  it's okay to hug you patients when they are kids.  their poopie diapers aren't as gross as adults.  they adapt quickly to being in the hospital and quickly realize they can guilt you into playing board games with them.  the list could go on and on.

once i was in residency, i figured out that i liked being in the hospital more than being in clinic.  unlike most doctors that work in critical care, i absolutely loved my well child checks.  i loved seeing my patients grow and develop.  i loved to talking to parents about anticipatory guidance.  it was the rest of it - the ear infections, the coughs and colds, the constipation visits, vague abdominal pain, adhd - that just wasn't for me.

i have always liked critical care.  i like the acuity of it.  i like thinking about the physiology of the meds or the ventilator.  i love procedures.  i tried desperately to like the picu (pediatric icu), but it was in vein.  i hated it.  it was very emotionally draining for me.  i couldn't stand seeing the 5 year old little girl who was now brain dead because she was playing outside when a stray bullet struck her.  i couldn't stand watching the 17 year old boy who a year ago was playing football and basketball with his friends now too weak to get up from his chemotherapy crying like a toddler in his mother's arms.  it was just too much for me.  even i as i type this, the emotions from that time period still resonate with me.  the kids in the picu have a story.  they have a personality.  they have best friends.  they have a life.  for me, this was just too much for me to deal with for the rest of my career.

i chose neonatology partly because for most of the babies, being in the nicu is their story.  we know everything that has gone on in their lives since they were born.  there isn't the worry that maybe the mother's boyfriend shook this baby so hard that he stopped breathing.  no, he's not breathing because he was born 3 months early.  it still offered me the acuity of taking care of sick patients, procedures galore, but it also offered me the continuity of seeing that baby born at 26 weeks get discharged from here.  now, don't get me wrong, i don't do procedures just to do procedures.  but there is a definite sense of accomplishment you feel when it's your hands that have put a breathing tube in a baby so they can breath, when it's your hands that put a teeny tiny iv in a baby so you can better monitor their blood pressures, when it's your hands that helped to alleviate the pressure on the baby's heart by getting the air or blood out of their chest with a tiny chest tube.  it's a great feeling to know your hands have helped these innocent babies. 

yes, some babies don't make it, and it does break my heart.  some babies end up so devastated developmentally or physically that i wonder if we've done more harm than good.  but most babies do great.  most babies go home with their families and begin their own story far away from the scary nicu.

so basically, the point of this long post (sorry i didn't realize this i what i was going to post about today) is that i my life.  i my husband.  i my career.  i hope one day i get to share this love with a little tiny baby of my own.

happy friday y'all!


the reading rainbow

hello! a few days ago i got a library card.  i have been meaning to get one since july but i guess better late than never.  there are so many books that i want to read, and it can become a pretty expensive habit.  what's nice about this library system is you can request books online, and then they email you when its ready to pick up.  you can request books from any library in the system, and they deliver your books to the library of your choosing! luckily for me, the nearest branch is less than a mile from my house.  every time i get an email about a new book to pick up, it brings a smile to my face.  :)  i'm not one to re-read book so borrowing from the library makes sense to me.

a few weeks ago, i bought a groupon for a barnes and noble gift card, $20 gift card for the price of $10.  monday or tuesday, i ordered 2 books and got free shipping.  i think the whole transaction cost less than $6.  today my shipment came in!  so exciting!

i <3 books - the feel, the weight, the smell of them.  while i know the kindle or nook are hot ticket items, right now i just can't seem to part from real, turn the pages books. 

below are the books i'm current reading/about to read:

  • almost home: stories of hope and the human spirit in the neonatal ICU - i'm reading this book because its an easy read, written from the perspective of a neonatologist.  it helps me to put in perspective why i'm working so hard and so many hours to take care of little tiny babies.  i can relate to a lot of the stories in the book and so far it's pretty good.
  • tick tock: this is written by a ob/gyn (i swear i don't only read books written by doctors!) who struggles with infertility.  i haven't read it yet (it was one of my b&n orders - this book wasn't available in the library either so i figured why not).  i hope it's good! 
  • room:  this is my other b&n order because the book is so new.  its a hard back.  its a story written from the perspective of a 5 year old boy who has spent his entire life living in this room.  his mother and he are basically held captive in the room and the mother does her best to make the room interesting and fun while trying to figure a way out to escape.  sounds intriguing!  i'm debating on whether or not to save this book and read it whenever my husband and i go on vacation in may.  just in case the books i have on my list in the library don't come in on time (i have to wait for others to turn them in. for some i'm #45 on the waitlist).  see, always a planner....
books i've read so far this year:
i think this list isn't bad for someone who frequently works close 80hrs/week while on service (5 months out of 12 this year) or otherwise slaving in the lab while reading scientific papers in my "spare time" that sometimes make me want to poke my eyes out they are so boring!
    books i've requested from the library and am waiting to get to read:
    yes, a few of the books have a common theme - infertility.  while i'm trying to keep a busy, well rounded life, this topic never seems far from my mind. 

    do you have any must read books - books for fun and for infertility?  i'd appreciate any recommendations!

    btw, i found out what's been going on with the comments i leave on other people's blogs.  sometimes my comments end up in the spam box and thus are never seen or read.  oh well.  at least i tried!