i hope you had a great weekend. :) mine was pretty good despite working all weekend.
so, my husband told me over dinner this weekend that he has "come out" to one of his bosses at work. this boss and his wife have been trying for 5 years to have a baby and are about to begin their first round of ivf. they also have unexplained infertility, and they want to have dinner with us. my husband set it up for this coming saturday. i'm really not sure how i feel about the whole thing. yes, i have been wanting to talk about what we've been going through with someone, but i'm not sure if i ever expected that someone to be a complete stranger. i mean i know i write about our experiences and my feelings on this public blog but there is at least some sense of anonymity that i can hide behind. this would be a face to face conversation about some of our most intimate feelings/frustrations with a couple i've never met. in addition, they are way further along in their journey than we are. i mean, they're about to do ivf. we (by we i mean i) am honestly still in some denial about our infertility. i think that some how by discussing our situation with someone other than ourselves, it makes it more real. i'm not sure if that makes any sense but it's the way that i feel. also in the back of my mind, i'm still hopeful that this cycle will be our cycle, that we can still get pregnant without assistance. what would happen if we met with our new infertile friends and then we announce our pregnancy in the next couple of months? would we stop being friends? would we hurt their feelings? this is one of my husband's bosses you know. so i don't know. i'm still kind of iffy about the whole thing but i agreed to go to dinner on saturday with them. we'll see how it goes.
over the weekend i read this book:
- if your idea of foreplay is screaming, "i'm ovulating; it's time!!!" to your oblivious husband...
- if your ovulation schedule is ruling your life and every trip to the drug store includes a bulk purchase of pregnancy sticks...
- if you're running out of answers to the chronic questioning from the pregnancy paparazzi about your plans for parenthood ...
so, have you recently "come out" to anyone? i think it will be awkward but it might be easier that they don't know our family or friends so that word wouldn't spread like wildfire. i dunno. i'm still on the fence....
I've been coming out more lately (recently to my boss). I've come out to fertiles and infertiles, and I'll tell you that it's easier to come out to people who also have experience with IF. In my experience the discussion with fellow IFers is more about you and how you're feeling/doing with everything rather than the process itself. It wasn't really awkward with IFers because they understood and we spoke a common language. I'd also add that the IFers that I first came out to were a friend and a sister in law, but because they themselves have experience with IF I knew that they wouldn't spread the word since they know it's a sensitive subject.
ReplyDeleteI do appreciate knowing that we have people IRL in our corner routing for us.
Playing the 'what if game' can kill a relationship before it even starts. Try (for what it's worth) to go to this dinner with an open mind. Remind yourself that their journey is *not* your journey. Crawling out from behind the curtain might not be such a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteWe started "coming out" to people when hiding it became too complicated. When I started treatments and when DH had surgery, everyone we were close to basically found out in one way or another. It's nice having people know. :)
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about other people knowing, but when I think about it, it's really ridiculous that I have to feel this way about it. I wouldn't hide any other medical condition from my family and friends, so why do I feel so ill at ease with sharing this thing? Our parents know, and every time my mother says something to me about so-and-so having trouble getting pregnant, I immediately drill her about who she's told about our situation. I really do appreciate the support from my parents (and I can't imagine keeping something this big from them), but sometimes it would also be nice not to be paranoid about who my mother's talking to.
ReplyDelete@ residency - i think it will be nice to have someone IRL to talk to. i'm going to try to look at this as a postitive thing.
ReplyDelete@ tami - you're right, the "what if game" is terrible. i will approach the dinner with an open mind.
@ happily - i'm sure that if/when it comes down to treatments, we'll definitely need more support. i almost told my mom after my hsg but have been hesitant to do so.
@ babina - i agree that it is ridiculous that we feel we have to keep a medical condition a secret. and i realize that by keeping it a secret we are perpetuating the notion that infertility should be taboo. i'm seeing my mother in about a month and while its easy to keep it from her when we talk on the phone, i doubt i'll be able to keep it from her when we are face to face...
I've never regretted telling anyone about our infertility (yet). Just knowing that other people know has helped, even if we don't talk about it. Talking to another couple who is further into treatment could be really helpful in deciding where to start and how to approach treatment. But I understand how it may feel like an infertile blind date. As for denial, it took me almost a year to get past mine. Like you said, telling people definitely makes it more real.
ReplyDeletethanks for your comment jill! i'm glad i'm not the only one who has suffered from infertility denial. :)
ReplyDelete