reflection sunday

so, religion is something i typically don't talk about, not because i don't think it's appropriate or that it's not important in my life, it's just something that i think is very personal and private to me. additionally, i don't want to alienate anyone who might read this blog who may not be religious. (i'm so excited by the way that i have more than 5 followers!)

(almost) every sunday, we go to church. and i pray. i pray for the health and safety of my friends & family. i pray for my loved ones that have passed. i pray direction. i pray for patience. i pray for faith. i pray for a baby. sometimes when i'm feeling particularly down or lost, i just pray for the desire to want to be patient and have faith.

sundays help me to reflect on the week that has passed and focus and be rejuvenated for the week ahead. this coming week, i have my appointment with my ob/gyn to discuss infertility. it's an appointment that i am both looking forward to & am dreading. what if she tells us just to keep trying?!? what if she wants to do a million invasive tests that we don't have money to pay for?!? what if there is something wrong we can't fix?!? what if, what if, what if...

i broke down and took another pregnancy test today. i think i'm 12dpo, although i might be 10dpo. BFN. i've promised myself not to take another one until wednesday morning before our appointment if i haven't started by then. i'd be officially late & i think it'd be important to know if i happened to be pregnant during our infertility appointment!

10 years ago, i never would have imagined that i'd be living here, so far away from family & friends, doing my neonatology fellowship. but this is definitely the life i am supposed to be living right now. i love my job & can't imagine training anywhere else. in 2005, i started my first 3rd year clerkship in the nicu. it was the first time in medical school that we actually got to touch a real patient. i was terrified and didn't know how to write progress notes or present, let alone how to interpret labs and xrays! now here i am, spending most of my time (outside the lab that is) in the nicu. and i love it!

my point is, the road to getting here has been tough, and the result was unexpected and better than i could have imagined. i've been blessed with a great husband and stinky dog that love me unconditionally. i'm finally happy in my career. i honestly believe that there is a point to all of this - the struggles of ttc. i just sometimes wish it didn't have to be so hard.

so today i pray for the desire to be patient, to have faith & to have hope as i'm struggling more today than others. i am also praying for baby N, one of my favorite patients (even though i know we're not supposed to have favorites), who will be laid down to rest today.


  1. omg! you sound so sincere it makes me wanna cry :(
    i don't mean to be nosy and all, but have you tried Digital Fertility Monitors? I remember in your last post you mentioned not being able to BBT due to hectic work schedule? What else are you trying? I am so sorry this has been so tough for you. I pray God gives you the strength and patience you need to hold on while he perfects your children for you.

  2. Reminds me of my favorite prayer...
    "God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference."

  3. @mrs. newlywed - i'm going to ask my ob/gyn about it this week at my appointment. i'm not sure what additional info it will give me because i'm pretty sure i'm ovulating because i have gotten a +opk every month and my luteal phase is 14 days afterward. at this point, i'm willing to try anything though!
    @heatherlyn - that's one of my favorite prayers too! i find myself repeating it several times a week lately. :)

  4. Not to pry myself, but I had used Clear Blue Easy Digital Monitor and that is when I realized part of my problem. I'm not insinuating that you are O'ing late. I personally think that the digital monitor is so much better than the predictor kits. That is my opinion...Ask you OB/GYN if they can you a basic lab panel on you with some focus on labs for fertility: TSH, Prolactin, Estrogen, Testosterone. Maybe it could be that simple that they can help you with. Good luck with your appointment!

  5. aime - i totally appreciate your comment! i definitely will ask my ob/gyn if she thinks it'd be helpful for me to get one. the more info the better! :)

  6. The Serenity Prayer is a great prayer. Good luck with your OB appointment. My SIL was diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and has had a tough timing conceiving after her first child (who is now 6). She just visited the fertility doc and one of the things the doc said was to lose weight. I hope that she can start losing weight and the meds they gave will help her along this path.

    Prayer is a very powerful too- use it to it's fullest extent and just trust in the Lord. And I don't think you would be offending any of your bloggers by talking about your own faith (if you chose to).