when did when, turn into if?

yesterday my husband and i watched the movie, switch, with jennifer anniston.
it was an okay movie.  the quick and dirty plot is that jennifer anniston wants a baby but isn't married.  she hires a sperm donor to have a baby but her best friend switches his sperm for it instead.  years later he meets the son and realizes it's his especially after seeing some of his own mannerisms in the boy. it got my husband and i talking about how weird/cool it is that kids have similar mannerisms to their parents even when they don't know them or get a chance to meet them. 

almost 6 years ago, one of my family friends, my bff's older sister who was like an older sister to me, passed away at the age of 31 after battling breast cancer.  she was diagnosed in october and died in may.  no family history of breast cancer.  she walked into her doctor's office complaining of back pain.  they ended up doing an xray and found lytic lesions.  she was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  her daughter was 6 months old.  she died the month after her first birthday.  her daughter is now almost 7 years old and i see so much of her in her mannerisms and actions.  she has the same broad beautiful smile, the same dainty way of running, the same fully belly laugh.  its amazing!

my husband and i were discussing this and he asked, which of my mannerisms do you think our son would have?  an innocent enough question.  i heard myself saying, if we have kids, our son would probably have your smile.

when the hell did when turn into if?!? 

i swear i'm trying to be positive, to be hopeful.  to have faith.  i guess my sub-conscience has a different point of view.  its so difficult to want to be hopeful because of the fear of recurrent disappointment. 

last night, my husband confessed that he's worried about me.  that i'm too stressed out about this whole ttc thing.  and i have to admit that i am.  i feel like its all consuming.  i can't help but think about it every day, several times a day.  don't get me wrong, i'm not sitting around in my room, curtains drawn, brooding about ttc everyday.  it may seem like it because its really all i write about in this blog. but really i have a very full and busy life.  its just when i'm alone getting ready in the morning before my husband's gotten up or at night when i'm trying to get fall asleep, a million obsessions swirl around in my head.  i use this blog as an outlet for my obsessions.  and i think it helps.  it helps to get them out of my head and see them in black and white.  it helps me to process it, and also helps me to have some perceptive.

yes, we're still young.  yes, we haven't been trying as long as some other couples.  yes, there's nothing medically wrong with us.  yes, there's still time.  yes, i should be more hopeful. 

i need to turn my if back to when.


  1. Let me know when you figure out how to do that.

    I was having this exact same conversation with my close friend the other day. I'm totally and absolutely consumed by it all. I've never been on a roller coaster I didn't love- but this one I want off of. Now. But not really. You know what I mean.

    She told me to "just stop working myself up. stop obsessing about it. it's working against me, not for me". I understand all that, but I don't know how to get out of my own way. How do I not wonder? How do I not do my research so that I'm as informed about the process and possible obstacles as possible? How do I not worry?

    I also hate that it's taboo to talk about. Like I said, I finally broke down to my friend. But that's after keeping everything pent up for so long. I was ready to burst. But then I don't want the pity at the end of the month. Catch-22.

  2. tami - thanks for the comment. it so easy to say, just relax. don't stress about it. its so hard to do. after drinking 4 glasses of wine the other night, i did almost break down and tell one of my girlfriends. instead i drank 2 more glasses and called it a night. i think i am going to talk to someone about it. i'm just deciding which person i should tell...

  3. "They" always say things happen when you stop stressing. Yes, it's def easy for anyone who is not going through something to say "it'll get better" or "stop stressing, it'll happen" but I think as a girl it's in our nature to stress- especially about something like this. But I agree, I think it's good to have a blog to vent, but at the same time, sometimes opening up to someone you know and trust helps too.

  4. Reading blogs like yours and comments like these seem to really help me through it. Sometimes I even get teary-eyed (which relieves some of the pent up stress) when I read others are feeling the same way as I am. I am 32 and have yet to find the magical off button for stress and worrying. The one that shuts off the constant chatter in my mind as I try to fall asleep. I've decided instead to get involved in projects at home and this beautiful spring weather is making it easier to get outside and be active again.

    I hope you are able to select a friend to share your experiences with. I shared with one of my sisters - one time - that we are ttc and I think of talking to her about it again, but the possibility of the pity party keeps me from calling...I just want an ear to listen. Let us know how it goes!

  5. AV - i do think its a girl thing. my husband is more worried about me, i think, than having a baby. which is sweet but really, i'll be okay (once we have a baby - ahahha)

    Mrs. C - i am definitely throwing myself into projects! one of them is working out and another one is work related. i think it helps to keep my mind from wondering but only temporarily. i'm having a hard time picking a friend to tell. none of them are going through what we are so i'm thinking of picking the one that's most likely to keep her mouth shut about the whole thing. :)

  6. Bump Envy - "so I'm thinking of picking the one that's most likely to keep her mouth shut about the whole thing" - EXACTLY!! You have enough to worry about - you don't need to worry that at any moment someone is going to ask you "how's the baby-making coming along"? :)