3.17.2011

2 posts in one day?!? i must be drunk!

and i think i am. i'm finishing up my 3rd glass of wine. my husband has left to go have some drinks with one of his friends. which is fine, really because now i can spend time lurking on thebump.com or researching "unexplained infertility" via google.

today we bought a bottle of wine celebrated our tests being "normal". normal hsg. normal CD3 blood work. normal SA. normal, normal, normal. but where does that leave us? really with a whole lot of questions and no answers. where do we go from here?!?

i think i'm kind of in a state of denial. not quite ready to use the "i" word, infertility. sometimes i write it on comments on the bump or will google it online but i have yet to accept the fact that technically, we are infertile. over 1 year of unprotected sex that does not result in a pregnancy. that's us. not one double pink line. not even a hint of a little pink shadow. all i have see in a stark white space where my beautiful little pink line should be.

if you've been reading my blog, you'll know that i've been of bcp since 05.09. that's almost 2 freakin' years! we started using opks in 06.10. every month its the same story, +opks, good timing sex-wise, and a stark white space next to the pink control line. its just so frustrating!

so here we are with unexplained infertility. idiopathic is what it would be called in medical terms. where do we go from here?

because my main coping mechanism is intellectulalization, i google what our next steps could possible be. what i found was essentially clomid + IUI. naturally i did a pubmed search using the key words "unexplained infertility" + "clomid" to find studies/review articles in the medical literature regarding this treatment. what i found basically reinforced what i thought initially. that if a woman is ovulating, clomid, with its anti-estrogenic properties, basically fools the body into developing more than one follicle and increases the likelihood of multiple gestations - twins, triplets, ect. now, i am not knocking anyone for being on clomid or trying it for unexplained infertility - to each his own really. but for me, personally, being a neonatology fellow and see what complications can come from multiple gestations, preterm birth, ect, right now for us, it's not a risk i'm willing to take.

that leaves me wondering, do i want this bad enough? i mean, if others are willing to risk multiple gestation pregnancies and right now i'm not, does that mean i don't want it as much or as bad as they do? for now, i'm reassuring myself that no, that's not what it means. i have a very different perspective than most people. i take care of the 24-25 week twin gestation babies and see how difficult the course is not only for the babies, but for the families. i see them when they are 2-3 years old and see how far behind some of them are developmentally from their peers. i see moms and dads hearts break when we have to withdraw care on their babies because they just can't fight the fight anymore. it's so heartbreaking. i'm not sure my husband and i would be able to stand it.

so for now, the plan is nothing. which is a very tough thing for me, being a planaholic. we will continue to hump like rabbits and pray that one day we will make a baby. at least that's where we're at right now. ask me the next CD1 and it could be a totally different story. i might be ready to put my feet in the stirup and be injected with my husband's sperm! but for today, we wait.

meanwhile, tonight, i get drunk. :)

12 comments:

  1. ::Hug:: figured you could use that. And cheers (lifts up my wine glass)! I'm so sorry. It really must be difficult to not know the reason, and I admire your strength to admit that you do not want to go the drug route. I have a diagnosis, PCOS, and I have anovulatory cycles. Therefore Clomid is something I feel I have to do. However, because you are choosing not to go that route does NOT mean you don't want this any more than I do, or anyone else for that matter. You're right, being in the medical field you have a different perspective than a lot of us. Have you looked into changing your eating habits? I really don't know what I'm talking about, but I have read on different boards and spoken with friends who have completely changed their eating styles to eat more of certain vitamins, less carbs, stuff like that. Not sure about any of it, but it might be worth looking into if you want to stay natural. ::hug::

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  2. If your doctor can prove that you ovulate on your own - you may be able to try IUI without using Clomid. Also - look into Femara - I only got one mature follicle with it and had an IUI. My RE made it very very clear to me that they are not in the business of producing multiples. GL with your journey ~ I'm enjoying your blog :)

    hootie123 on the bump :)

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  3. M - thanks so much! i will probably research changing our eating habits this weekend. i've heard some about it but nothing really specific. i think clomid is a great drug for someone who is anovulatory. for me, im just not sure yet.

    christine - thanks for commenting on my blog! i really appreciate it. i'll look into femara too. good luck with your journey as well. i hope both of ours is short and sweet. :)

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  4. I read your post last night and decided it's finally time to come out of hiding. Stupid "anonymous" setting should have never been invented. Anyway...

    I read a book that had some interesting content. The title is HORRIBLE and made me almost not buy it- but it really is good. It's written by 2 infertility doctors that have an west-meets-east approach and their philosophies mesh well with my own (and perhaps yours?).

    Basically it is an 'invasive fertility treatments as a last resort approach'. They talk about how most cases when a couple is labeled with "unexplained infertility" it is the Dr. being lazy and jumping to expensive and invasive 'technology' first. The authors approach is a quest for the real underlying reason and taking the natural 'treatment' course of action. The title is: Making Babies: A Proven 3-Month Program for Maximum Fertility . See, I told you it was bad. I don't know, thought you might find it helpful?

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  5. I can imagine how you feel. When we realized we were having trouble, it was a little bittersweet to get at least some sort of news that things weren't quite right with us -- on the one hand, it's horrible to hear that you almost definitely will need medical intervention to have a baby, but on the other, it does answer some questions and at least you have issues to focus on and can set a plan.

    I also second the above commenter about Femara. I ovulate every month too (though not perfectly reguarly), so my RE was concerned about the risk of mutliples with Clomid and instead prescribed 2.5 mg of Femara. Also, you should be monitored anyway, so you can cancel an IUI (and avoid TI!) if you respond too well.

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  6. tami - that title is definitely terrible! but since you recommended it, i checked and there is a copy at my local library. i'll be checking it out next week! i'll let you know what i think about it. thanks for the recommendation!

    babina - i think you hit the nail on the head. focus & a plan. i'm such a planner, and its been difficult for me to accept that this is out of my control. i'll ask about femara and do some more research about it. i appreciate your comment!

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  7. hi! your comments definitely come through on my site, just so you know.

    i feel your frustration. thought our situation is different (because i've only been ovulating for the past few months), i have been off the pill since 1/09 and nothing. i had my hopes so high for this cycle and at 9DPO i'm negative . . . i know it's still early but i am just so sick of the disappointment.

    i read 'making babies' and i'm not sure i found it that helpful - i found some of the info conflicting and didn't really feel there was that much clear info. but it was interesting.

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  8. Glad all of your testing brought you to normal findings. Although that does leave you in a hard spot....not knowing. I personally feel that just because you don't want to go the clomid route doesn't mean that you want a child less than me or anyone else. I had to go the route of clomid due to being both anovulatory and ovulation being very late in my cycle causing a luteal phase defect). Keep your options open and choose what is right for you. Like a previous comment said there is natural IUI and even Femera. But there are also non-medical ways to help boost things (although they're not enough evidence to fully back it up, doesn't hurt to try though). There's vitamins, POM juice, green tea, evening primrose oil, flaxseed, and so on.

    Don't count yourself out of the game just yet. Keep your head up and good luck with whatever you choose!

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  9. Sarah - it's still early but I definitely know what you mean by disappointment. At least you're ovulating now so at least you know you're in the game! It's so hard to allow ourselves to be hopeful sometimes because of the shear heartache you feel when you see a BFN. And then I tend to beat myself up for having been so hopeful in the first place! This TTC journey is such a pain in the ass!

    Aime - thanks so much for your comment. I do think nutrition is important and will look to see if any changes we make in our diets could speed things along or give us a better shot. Good luck to you as well!

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  10. Sarah - have you read any books about TTC that you have found helpful? I'd love to know you recommend any. :)

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  11. In regards to accepting the concept of being infertile, I was in your shoes last month. I didn't feel like I was infertile enough to really claim the label. Similar to other diagnoses, it takes time to come to terms with it. Some days I do better than others.

    Like you my coping mechanism is intellectualization. I want to know what steps X, Y, Z, and AA are going to be. It helps me to prepare myself mentally and emotionally, but I talked to someone not long ago who said their Dr refrains from talking about all the next steps because he wants everyone to focus positively on this cycle and making this cycle a success, not dwelling on it not working. So it's taking things one step at time as you're ready to. Again that's one of those things I do better at some days than others.

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  12. Residency - i do have a hard time focusing on the now, instead of planning for the future. i working on taking it one step at a time which like you know, is easier said than done.

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