body image issues

hello lovelies!

i hope your weekend has been going well.  mine has been so nice and relaxing (especially since i didn't have to work this weekend) with the exception of my friday night melt down, more on that later.

yesterday, we went on our double date with my husband's boss and his wife.  if you recall from my previous post, they are struggling with infertility too and are actually doing their first round of ivf.  i thought it might be awkward, and i had some apprehension about going but it turned out fine.  we actually never really talked about infertility, which was kind of a relief.  my husband did second guess me for having a glass of wine while we were waiting at the bar for them to arrive, not only because we are in "limbo" as he likes to put it (i'm in the 2ww), but he thought it might be insensitive for me to drink around his bosses wife since she'd then be the only one not drinking at dinner.  i told him i wasn't going to not drink because of other people, and i'm so early in the 2ww, it doesn't even matter if i had one glass of wine.  so of course my husband cracks a joke during dinner about how i'm all about "drink til it's pink" - which i'm not sure where he got that saying from because i don't think i've ever actually said that to him.  we had a little awkward laugh and under her breath, i hear the wife say, "i wish we were still at that point" or something like that, and i felt a tinge of guilt.  :T but all and all it was a fun time and maybe if i got to know her better, i'd open up to her about what we're going through.  so as in the case of most things in life, it wasn't all it was hyped up to be.  :) 

like i was saying earlier, on friday night i had a major meltdown.  it was ugly and sad.  i was upset because currently, i'm the heaviest i've ever been in my entire life, ever.  now, if you saw me walking down the street, you'd probably say, what are you talking about? you look fine!  which, i can admit i can look okay if i wear flattering clothes and fix myself up but there are many, many more clothes in my closest that i can no longer wear because they are too tight and are unflattering.  i've always been thin my entire life and never had to worry too much about my weight.  if i gained an extra five pounds here and there, it only took a few weeks at the gym to work it off.  now here i am, approaching 30 this month, and i can't seem to get this weight off that popped out of nowhere.  it doesn't help that i am now back on service this month meaning, i wear scrubs everyday not realizing how much more weight i'm gaining until i try to squeeze into some jeans on the weekend.  :(  so anyways, i had a meltdown friday night, and i cried while my husband held and comforted me.  i cried because i'm no longer the trim, slim, active girl i was just a few years ago.  i cried because i feel like i don't recognize this body that i'm living in.  i cried because i feel like my body has betrayed me in more ways than one, first with not providing me with a baby and second for not responding to diet and exercise like it used to only a few years ago.  i cried and i cried.  my poor husband was at a loss for words because he had no idea where this was coming from.  he, being a man, of course wanted to "fix it" by telling me i was beautiful and that we would diet and exercise together to get me to where i wanted to be.  but the best thing he did was when he stopped talking and just held me while i cried.  i'm so blessed to have him in my life.

i think that those of us who struggle with infertility definitely have some body image issues.  we feel like our bodies have betrayed us, and it's a struggle to love this body that we see as "broken".  i don't have any magical answers to help us accept our infertile bodies but i just wanted you to know, you are not alone.