2.04.2011

to tell or not to tell

first of all, thanks to each & every one of you, even it's just a handful, who read this blog & comment or lurk. i personally read a lot of blogs that i never comment on so no judgment here! (although, shamelessly, i + comments)

tonight, as my husband is out of town & i have already drank 2 large glasses of wine, i've begun to contemplate if i should or should not let any of our friend/family know we are TTC.

as of now, we haven't told anyone we are actively TTC. we already put so much pressure on ourselves about the whole situation that we thought telling anyone else would just add more pressure. our response to the dreaded, "so when are you having a baby?" has been very vague. "some time before i finish fellowship (within the next now 2 & 1/2 years)." as the months tick by, i'm afraid this answer won't suffice for too long.

while i created this blog as an outlet for me to vent/express my thoughts, its not the same as having a heart to heart conversation with someone. i'm not sure why i am so hesitant to tell my friends. (i know i'm hesitant to tell my mom because she has a big mouth!) i think part of the reason is that i think that if i say the words OUT LOUD, to someone other than my husband, then i'm admitting that i think there might be a problem.

21 months off birth control & no baby. that's almost 2 years. i'm pretty sure that's a problem. at this point, i'm really not sure what would be worse, to know there's a problem & not be able to fix it OR never find a reason. my husband wants to give it the old college try. really REALLY try for one year and see what happens. meanwhile, i feel like we are wasting time.

if i really wanted to talk to one of my friends about our journey, i don't really think they would get it, really understand what we are going through. only 4 of my closest girlfriends are married. one of them already has a sweet daughter. it took them 8 months to get pregnant but after 6 months of "seeing what happens", it took only 2 cycles after using OPKs to get a BFP. my friend that just got knocked up did so 5 months after she got married. the other 2 married girlfriends aren't even thinking about it yet (that i know of).

the thing is, i don't want pity. i don't want my friends to feel sorry for me. i want someone who knows what i'm going through to empathize with me. so that's when i turned to the bump. at first i lurked. i posted a couple of times. i found some blogs to read. but then i started noticing how sometimes, the comments on there were just snarky/rude/bitter. i didn't want to become that way. so i quit. at least i tried to quit. i admit that i will on occasion lurk but when i do, i eventually end up reading a thread where someone gets attacked and i remember why i wanted to quit in the first place. i think the bump can be a great resource. i bet probably more helpful once you are actually pregnant. for TTC, i think there is a lot of misinformation (medically speaking) that has women obsessing over every single "symptom" or change in temperature. i'm sure for others the bump has been great, but i think its just not for me. so that leaves me with just my blog & you!

who have you told about ttc, if you are? did it make things easier or better when you did? if you haven't told anyone, why haven't you?

this post is getting ridiculously too long. sorry. i'm sure i had a point in there somewhere.

7 comments:

  1. First off, I completely know what you mean about the bump, which is why I mostly just lurk!

    Second, I have mixed feelings about telling. I NEVER thought I would have any trouble, and I began telling about 6 months before we even started! Everyone knew we were going to start, and I loved talking about it and listening to others stories/advice. It was great to have someone IRL to talk to. But now I regret it. I am tired of the 'are you pregnant yet?' questions. I am tired of the advice. I am tired of others telling me to relax, because I'm worrying too much. I wish I hadn't told.

    But on the other side, it's really nice to have friends to talk to, even if they don't understand. It's hard to keep something this big inside, and sometimes you just need to vent.

    It's a big decision, but one that you can't take back. If anything, you could try with just one friend, see what happens. Good luck!

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  2. Thanks for your input M. It's really a tough decision. I may take your advice and just tell one friend. :)

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  3. Wow! I totally see where you are coming from and it is a big decision. My husband and I decided to keep TTC to ourselves and I am glad that we did. We have been TTC for 2 long years. Our response to people asking us the baby question is usually, "Whenever it happens." Vague I know but I have never really felt the need to tell people my personal business.

    I did end up telling my parents because I wanted/needed someone to talk to and my mother is usually very descrete. However, somehow *cough* my grandparnets found out and they felt the need to give us unwanted advise. Which is part of our reasoning for not telling people. I really didn't want to listen to my Grandpa tell us what we should be doing to get preggers! Bring on the brain bleach!

    Anyway, I don't think telling someone that you trust about your situation is a bad idea. It is good to have someone to confide in. You just might want to stress to them that you don't want other people to know.

    GL!

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  4. Anon,
    Thanks for your perspective. It's nice to know we aren't the only ones TTC a secret. I'm afraid if I told my mom it'd be a way worse situation, with many more people knowing than I want.

    GL to you two TCC. I know it can be super frustrating! Thanks again for your comment!

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  5. Just came across your blog. I'm currently in the "seeing what happens" stage (as you stated). But I have told two of my best friends that I am in the process of TTC. I have been married for 3 years and started TTC on my 3rd wedding anniversary. My friends are newly married and are NOT TTC, but we talk about having kids in the future all the time, so I was happy to share with them that I am TTC. They were super happy for me but I'm already getting the "Aww, were you disappointed when you got your annual friend" questions (and it's only been 2 months). I wonder sometimes if I should've told them, or kept it to myself, cuz now they'll ask me every month. But to be honest, the more I think about it the more I'm glad I'm sharing it with them, they are part of this journey of mine and they are my best friends and will not judge and will only support me and give me strength to keep trying. So after that long rant, I think it's a good idea to tell someone you are close with. It really helps talking to someone. Maybe talk to a co-worker, someone that's not too involved in your life, but still someone that knows a lot about you (I share my cube with one and she is the BEST sounding board).

    Good luck on TTC. Check out BabyZone.com (similar to the Bump), another place to lurk :)

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  6. AV - thanks for your comment. i appreciate your perspective. i'll checkout babyzone.com and lurk on there too. :) i hope you get a BFP soon!

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  7. Just came across your blog. I honestly understand where you are coming from. We are kinda 50/50 on letting it happen on its own or actually trying. This month i did put in a bit more effort than last month, and when Aunt Flow arrived, i was devastated. Times like that is when i want to regress back to not trying and letting it happen on its own accord.

    There is a resourceful book you should read if you are TTC, thats if you haven't read it already. If you click on the link below, it will take you to it on amazon.com and i am sure the reviews from readers alone might convince you to purchase it.

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060881909/shelfari-20


    There is really no fun in telling everyone you are trying. I heard a story of a girl who "claimed" she didn't know she was pregnant. everyone found out in the 5th month. She claimed they weren't even trying at all. But a close source actually contradicted her story that they have been trying for over 18months. I just concluded she didn't reveal the pregnancy early because she was afraid of something going wrong and having to deal with the looks from friends and family.
    So i would suggest you keep it between you and the hubs and/or your mom. Parents (moms) will never (should never) betray you :)
    Goodluck and keep us posted!

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