got guilt?

i know logically that it is irrational, but do you ever feel guilty for not ttc earlier?

i guess i could give a little background story. my husband & i have been married for only a little over 2 &1/2 years; however, we've been together since we were 14 years old. yes, there were times when we broke up & dated other people, but we basically grew up together. there was a time when we were in high school, 16 years old probably, & we thought i could be pregnant. we prayed & prayed that i wouldn't be. i wasn't. (looking back, i probably wasn't really even late but the idea of getting pregnant was so terrifying back then.)

in college, i was doing what college kids do, & was in no way ready to think about getting married, let alone have kids.. in medical school, i was so busy just trying to survive that i hardly had time to take care of myself & it never even occurred to me to think about having kids then. plus, i also wasn't married yet. my intern year of residency, we finally got married. i wanted to enjoy being a newlywed. we had been long distance for the majority of our relationship, up until this point, and i just couldn't get enough of "us" time. i wanted to travel, go to nice dinners, be able to go out on the town with friends. and we did all of that. we have seen some amazing places and have made great memories.

in may 2009, we went on a vacation to go scuba diving & enjoy some fun in the sun. at that time, i was on the patch because i couldn't remember to take the pill everyday even though i had religiously took it in college & med school. i didn't want to have a patch tan line, so that month i tried the ring. it was fine, except during sex. well, that's a problem during vacation! so we threw it out and from then on, i was pretty much BCP free. (there was a month in nov 2009 that i was on the patch again b/c i didn't want to have a baby around the time of starting a new job/studying for my boards.)

we did the whole, "whatever happens, happens" approach. nothing happened.

in jun 2010, so over a year after i had stopped regularly taking birth control(7 months after i had stopped completely), we had another trip planned. it was 2 weeks in the sun by the beach. we had sex every day. the timing was perfect!

we didn't get pregnant.

later that month, we move to a new city, start new jobs. its stressful. i'm studying for boards, learning a new system. we continue to try. i pee on stick which tell me i'm ovulating. my cm is telling me that i am. i start lurking on thebump.com.

nada.

so here we are, 7 cycles of "really trying". while i'm still hopeful for this cycle, (i'm 11dpo), part of me wonders if i was being selfish waiting all of these years. whatif we would have started trying right away when we got married, would we have a baby now? whatif we got married earlier? whatif, whatif...

the whatifs and the guilt is bearing down on me.

i know that 7 cycles may not be that long to some but to this type A personality it definitely is. i am a doctor. i know my body. i know how the hormones work. i memorized that stupid graph in med school. our timing for the most part has been really good, yet so far, no baby.

why is it that all of these babies in my NICU are being born to crackheads & crazy people, "by accident" but in over 20 months, i have never "accidentally" gotten pregnant?

statistically speaking, even if only 20 percent of people with perfect timing get pregnant, we should be pregnant by now!

if i would have known it was going to take this long,
i woulda, shoulda, coulda....

celeb sighting!

in an effort to keep anonymous, i edited this photo to block out my face but i saw taylor swift today! she was literally standing in line behind me at a local coffee shop. she was super sweet and really tall! i went there to try to do some reading for work, hence the hideous backpack strap. she quietly walked up and stood in line behind me. i recognized her right away but didn't ask her for a pic until a few people had already bothered her. i felt like a 12 year old girl asking to take a picture with her but she was so nice about it. :)

have any of you had any celeb sighting?

note to self: don't test early!

Driving home today, I got the urge, the urge to POAS (pee on a stick). I tried to talk myself out of it. I'm only 9 DPO (days post-ovulation). But I couldn't help myself. I have 6 free IC (internet cheapy) pregnancy test. So I made a deal with myself. If my husband was home from work when I got home, I would NOT test. If he wasn't then I would. (This is because I knew it was silly to even think about getting a positive pregnancy test.) Well, surprise, surprise...

it was a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!! (BFN)

Dear Self,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, WAIT TILL ITS LATE!!!

2ww suck!

the dreaded 2 week wait. Uggghhhh! I finally got a +opk on Wed along with good physical signs of ovulating (EWCM). Our timing has been good this month but after watching the great sperm race, it made me realize that what i'm really hoping for is a miracle.

here's to hoping!

babies, babies everywhere!

everyday i'm surrounded by babies. i go to deliveries and hand beautiful babies to their happy, smiling parents.

i can't wait to one day get handed OUR baby instead of always handing babies off.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. Even though I worked worked a 30 hour shift where I got very little sleep & I only took a 3 hour nap afterward, I'm wide awake. So far this month I still haven't gotten one positive ovulation predictor test. I usually test positive anywhere around cycle day 12-17. My cycle is usually 28-32 days, usually more consistently 30-32 days. I'm so frustrated. We're still TRYING to make a baby, meaning having sex except for yesterday because of work, but what's the point if I'm not even ovulating! Today my husband and I talked about making an appointment with my doctor. I asked him what we would do if we found out there was a problem. We don't have the financial means right now to do fertility treatments. He said at least we would KNOW and not be so stress. I guess he's right but KNOWING and not being able to do anything about it is also scary. It'll be another couple of years before I finish my training so that I can actually make a real doctor's salary. I just hate thinking of having to wait that long if something is wrong...

Today my best friend found out she's having a girl. I'm happy for her but also a lot jealous. I know I shouldn't be but I am.

sometimes life isn't fair

the other day, i had to counsel a family to withdraw care on their baby. the father nearly broke my heart when he cried out, "it's just not fair! i'm a good father. i take care of my kids. so many people out there have kids and don't even take care of them, and here i am taking care of mine and now God is going to take him from me. IT's JUST NOT FAIR!"

sometimes life sucks. and it isn't fair.

hug your loved ones while you can.

have a little faith...

i know that having difficulty conceiving can be frustrating and stressful but today, i'm taking a step back and realizing it could be worse. i'm in a happy, loving marriage with my hot husband. we are both healthy, have jobs, a roof over our heads and food on the table. i think that this process is forcing me to have some PATIENCE and FAITH. while it's difficult, in the end, it will be worth the wait.

hi, i'm blog envy & i'm NOT a sex addict

Do you ever get tired of having strategically planned sex?

One time, a couple of months ago, my husband came home on his lunch break so we could have sex before I had to work that evening, just because we didn't want to miss a day of sex during our "fertile window". needless to say, it wasn't hot, sexy, passionate sex. it was more of a "let's just do this quick before either one of us is late for work." Sometimes when we are having not-so-hot sex, I think to myself, "this isn't the way i want our baby to be conceived. I want to make our baby with love and passion and spontaneity." Then I remember, we've been down that road, and it didn't work either.

I sometimes wish we could take a break from this strategically planned sex.

But I want a baby MORE.

Where to begin...

Remember when you were 16 or 17 years old and were terrified to death about getting pregnant? You thought that you could get pregnant just by having foreplay. Remember in college when you actually smart enough to religiously use birth control pills but were still worried about possibly being pregnant if your period was just a little late? You did everything you could to be smart and responsible to NOT get pregnant.

Fast forward a few years and you are new a responsible adult, in a committed relationship, married even! You have full-time job and you're finally ready to have a baby. Well too f*ing bad. Mother nature has other plans for you. She wants you to chart your temperatures, pee on sticks and have strategically planned sex.

Meanwhile, EVERYONE around you is getting pregnant, WITHOUT EVEN TRYING! Some friends/coworkers are even on their 2nd or 3rd kid. You try to keep him in check but it's times like these that the little green monster comes out and . . . 

you feel like shit.


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